Depth Perception

Progress. Such a simple word. An implication of motion. Forward and upward bound. Positive. Necessary.

Digress. Also simple and motivated. Still forward, but with misaligned orientation.

As the weeks have passed, I have found myself looking back over my shoulder, wondering at the progress that has been made up to this point in time. For the past year, I have focused on a goal so big and massive that the only way to turn dreaming to doing was through the avenue of a personal "fade out".

The Lord has been gracious enough to cause this past year to bring me to my knees in every area of my life. I have seen so much of myself that I wish to do without...yet even still, I find myself living out of sad independence and pride. Progress? Ha. Hardly what I would call it. But I think that is because when I think "progress", I think "distance", length gone and length to go. And with those thoughts, how could thoughts of self not be present?

The longer I look over my shoulder, I also begin to see something else: thousands and thousands of rabbit trails, times of distraction from disappointment and disillusion. There are so many! How ridiculous! How embarrassing! How hopeless it all looks...

With such a path behind me, how could I ever hope to experience the "fade out" and possess "more of Him, Less of me?" Such destruction and devastation makes for an easy digression from the progress. Sadly, I begin to fear that the term "fade out" more accurately describes my depreciating energy level than anything else.

And then, I see it. It is beyond the complications of progress and the mere distance traveled. It is more than all the culmination of misguided mishaps of decision and error lining the main-way. It is IN the depth of the journey. Shocker. Who would have thought that progress would come to mean so much more than just getting ahead on a 2 dimensional plane of existence and self-improving? And who would have thought the digression would actually accentuate the depth of love, mercy, and life that God has to offer?

I now have a different perspective as to what real progress is and what digression looks like. With all that said, abiding seems to look a lot more inviting. In the world's eyes, I am regressing. No job. No car. No plans. No vision. No progress. But what I have is an invitation to BE with the One who knows me and who uses the digression of my soul to glorify His heart so that when I repent and remember who He is, I fall in love all over again. That is why I'm going to India. It is why I do anything. Because He loves me.